So it has been a while…

Why has it been so long since I have written here? My life has been so complicated that logic would dictate that I write in my blog.

And yet here I am, over six months since my last attempt to write. Honestly, I am not sure how I have survived this year. So much of 2014 has been similar to the worst year of my life. It mazes me how parallel it has become. My depression has at times been worst than that of the worst, and it shows no signs of getting better. Honestly, I really don’t know where this is heading. It could all go crumbling down like it has in the past. I could somehow break this depression like I am known to do, or it will consume me.

I feel so lost right now, alone once again in this war with being bi-polar. I knew from the beginning that it would always be a struggle. Always at war with my mind. The way things are going 2014 could just be 2007 all over again. I really don’t know. I really haven’t dealt with my problems just pushed them aside and the results are that I find myself fighting for control over my mind. I am losing the battles, is the loss of the war soon to follow?

The Questions I Face

I look at all the happy people in the world, and I wonder. Why can’t I be like them? Why must everyday be a fight between if life is worth living another day. My daily thoughts consist of all the bad things that have happened in my life. The roads I have taken and the people I have lost in my life along the way.

            Even more the sadness I feel, that I try to hide. The depression that makes every moment that I have to myself is a constant torture. I look at the happy people with envy. I don’t feel what they feel. Inside I am lost and empty. I go through the motions most days, but I wonder what would happen if it all ended. Would anyone honestly care? It troubles me that I have no real answer to that question. I am sure for a moment a few might, but once that moment is gone, it will pass.

            Most days when I finally get so tired that I can sleep, I can’t believe I got through another day. Another day of getting by, but when is getting by enough? I can’t seem to move forward because I am lost in the past. My past will always be the present. Honestly, at times I wonder what if. What if I had been successful in 2007 or 2010? What if I gave up now? I know it isn’t worth taking my life, at this point what would it really change?

            I now face a greater challenge. I have to figure out a way to fight. I am not sure it is possible but what else can I do. I am so lost right now. So alone. Forever alone it seems. The questions they haunt me…

The Days of Depression Continue

I am not sure I have experienced depression quite like what I am going through.

Like those of the past, this one seems like it won’t end, like an endless cycle of depressive thoughts that I am unable to shake. I have spent days at time in bed, not doing anything but laying there lost in thoughts, and I just falling deeper into depression. I feel lost and alone. Anxiously awaiting when this will be over and yet I get each day in a deeper depression. I have a day or two where I feel well enough to do something productive. The last couple of days I have found some solace playing video games with my cousin, but that time is limited. When I am alone the depressive thoughts always come back stronger than before. When the thoughts come flooding in, I am right back where I don’t want to be…

When the thoughts consume, especially at night, I feel like my world is crashing. The depressive thoughts overwhelm me to point where I am spending days just trying to get some normalcy. The path that I am on is where I start to doubt that living is worth it. Fear, doubt, and depression have become my enemy in this war, and I am not sure I know the enemy well enough to fight. I doubt that I will get better. I doubt that I will overcome this. I doubt that life will get better. I just doubt everything in my life, and this is not good for me. The more I doubt the further it leads to what I fear I am headed towards… If I continue to lose ground in this fight, taking my life again might creep in my mind as the only option I have. I am not quite there yet, but I am sure that if this continues, it will get there. I still feel alone in this fight…

I am so lost in this depression, it is unlike anything I have experienced in a long time.

Where did the Days Go?

I am not sure where my days are going. I barely get out of bed anymore. This depression has really gotten the better of me. So lost in the endless loop in my mind. Staying positive doesn’t work. I hate this feeling of depression. Time just slows down, not just in my mind but in realtime. I am not sure of myself as I slip further into a deep depression.

Last time it was this bad, it didn’t end well for me. I spend weeks in the hospital, and I fear so badly that I could end up there again, or worse. I feel so helpless and out of control in my life. So much has been good in my life since 2010, but these past few weeks have proven that no matter how much I try, my life will always be like this. I am trying. I really am, but trying may not be enough for me this time.

This fight has been the truest test, not sure I will win it…

The Mean Reds

The Mean Reds:

“The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?” – Audrey Hepburn, Breakfast at Tiffany’s

This is always how I feel That is why I have always loved the character of Holly Golightly, I relate to how she felt about life. That is me.

English: Cropped screenshot of Audrey Hepburn from the trailer for the film Breakfast at Tiffany’s (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

More on my Depression

This depression is really bad. I am not sure what to do. I am finding myself mentally checking out for hours at time without realizing it. I am constantly lost in my head. I am awake and breathing, but life is just passing me by. I am just not here and I can’t seem to shake it. It has been a long time since I felt this way. Years even. I can pinpoint the causes but where does that really get me? I am so alone in this fight. It is not worth bringing others down. Everyone I know has his or her own problems. I am not worth bothering them with my problems. I just wish I could. So I write. It is all I have left.

It is affecting me so much that I went an entire week, and I can’t say I was even a bit constructive. If anything I have gone further backwards then I was a week ago. The last time I was this depressed it was 2010. I keep saying that it is not as bad, but in reality it might be worse. It couldn’t come at a worse time in my life. I just want to be consistently on the mend, not falling deeper into depression. I feel so alone right now. I just feel like why should I. Why do I continue to fight? I mean honestly, I believed for so long that this could never happen to me again. I could never feel this depressed. I was fooling myself.

There are so many things going on in my head, and I can’t make them stop. My demons and my past are stronger in my mind than ever before. With no one I trust to talk to about these thoughts, all that I have is to continue to let the thoughts control my mind. I just don’t really know why I try to get better… Honestly I am not sure if I ever did. I really hate being bipolar. These are the worst feelings in the world. The ones I have no control over.

I had such high expectations for this summer. Last summer I can say I enjoyed myself. It was a good year 2012; it was one of the best years I have had. I went to Vegas. I started working on my degree. All signs pointed to hopes of a good 2013. This year by comparison is the complete opposite. I am so lost and alone, I really don’t know what to do. Talk to my doctor? That never did any good. I am just going to have to find a way. That is all I have now. Writing is my last shred of hope to get past this. I must try to fight.

 

Quick Thoughts

I have been a depressed funk.

It has been one of the worst depression episodes I have had in three years. For so long I have maintained my depression to just days, sometimes hours. It seems I am relapsing into old habits again. It’s a horrible feeling. I thought the worst parts of being bipolar was over. The depression and the manic episodes, I thought were controllable. I guess I was wrong. No matter what I do it will always be a part of my life. I feel so manic during the day then so depressed at night. I just feel like it is all for not. Everything I worked for will just fall apart. I am lost again.

This latest depression has been going on for weeks, maybe since July. So much has happened lately, and I feel like mentally I just can’t keep up. I spent so much energy over the last three years trying to pickup the pieces of my fragile life that, well, I am mentally exhausted. School has been so great for me. It is another step to getting my life back on track, but it has left me completely drained. I am not really sure I can complete my degree. The doubts are starting to creep in.

I spend most days in a complete fog. My thoughts are all over the place again. I fail to stay focused on the most easiest tasks of the day. I am either not sleeping or sleeping too much. My eating habits have even been erratic. I just don’t know why I am fighting so hard for this life. I feel so alone at times, and I have proven that it’s not a good thing.

Not sure where to go from here. My health seems so out whack again, its 2007 all over again. It may not be as bad, but I hate that I am heading there again. I just hope I am strong enough to get through this. I really can’t take a setback. I have worked too hard on school and getting my life back to a good place. This is just a temporary bump in the road, or at least that’s what I am telling myself. What a strange journey this has been…

My Thoughts on Medication

I have a few theory about medication prescribed by doctors.

Doctors really don’t care about the side effects of medication. I’m not sure they realize the damaging long-term effects of medications. Take me for example. With a diagnosis of bipolar one, I take medication for everything. I take antidepressants for depression. I have mood stabilizers to keep my moods running normal. I take sleeping pills for my insomnia and anxiety medication for the worst of the panic attacks. I even have antipsychotics that help keep psychotic episodes in check (they also help me with my sleep.) I have been taking all of these medications everyday for almost six years. What are the long-term effects of these medications?

I have often talked to my psychiatrist about lowering doses on some of the more extreme medication like the antipsychotics. I have even discussed the possibilities about quitting medication all together. I always get the same answer. It is not possible for someone with such a history and diagnosis to just go off medication. My doctor believes that it could be disastrous if I went completely off. In many ways I understand, but I still have the issue of what the medication does to my body.

When I first started out on this journey back in November 2007 I was a mess. I wanted to not be a part of life. I wanted to be dead. That is what psychologists call patterns of abnormal behavior. I can tell you this I wanted to die then, but I never once got asked if I wanted to start the medication. Being that I was in a psych ward, they pretty much told me I had no choice. The psych ward is no place fun. I wanted to leave there as quickly as possible. So I just complied. None of the nurses or the doctors told me what the long-term effects would be. I will admit I blindly obeyed and took the medication but now I worry.

I worry because lately I haven’t been in the greatest of health. I have seen patterns of behavior that I thought I was long past. I worry so much that the medication has damaged me in some kind of way. What makes this worse is that I don’t have insurance. So things like doctors have to come out of pocket. It really is a catch 22 because my health is deteriorating and there isn’t much I can do about it. Other than stay positive because what else do I have.

This could just be me, being me. I mean psych myself out so much but I am not wrong about my health. I need to do something about it. I am working on that, but I am still on all of these medications and I have no idea what they are truly doing to my body. Six years is a long time to be on the same medication.

I often wonder, if I had chosen a different route and try to get past being bipolar on my own without medication, would I be a different person now?

 

 

Positive Psychology

So I am nearing the end of my first ever college psychology class. I have to say, it is very interesting to learn about psychology from a text-book angle.

Before I get into what I liked most (positive psychology) I wanted to share a few things I learned:

1. I have always said that I have a mental disorder. Now I call it a psychological disorder.
2. There so many different fields to study in psychology.
3. Stress can cause many different health problems.
4. Social psychology is very interesting field of psychology.
5. And last, I don’t plan on making a career in psychology.

The main reason I took psychology is to see if I wanted to make a career out psychology. It sounded good in theory, but I have found that I over psychoanalyze everything that is wrong in my life. It is best if I stick to what I do best, writing. I have considered becoming a behavioral therapist but I think I still have a long way to go, I am still in a good place with my diagnosis of bipolar disorder but I am not sure I am ready to help others.

So my favorite part of the class was positive psychology. It is funny that this would strike me as the most interesting of all the that I learned in my first psychology class. I am generally very pessimistic about every outlook in my life. I always think the worst possible thing will happen in my life given any situation.  Positive psychology is simple, trying to change my thinking from negatives into positives. It is basically changing the way that I look at things. It doesn’t take medication or doctors visits.

I have to admit that I was skeptical about my ability to think positive and if it would help me in the long run. I will admit that I am only a few weeks into this type of thinking but the results are very interesting. I love to write. If you have ever read my posts that much would be obvious. In the past when I have entered a writing assignment for school the first thing that goes through my mind is the negative thoughts. Can I really write a paper of quality? Will I get a good grade? Do I know the material that I am supposed to be writing about? These questions plague me every time I go to write a paper for class. I forget the obvious things. I always write A papers, never have I not since I decided to go for my writing degree. My study habits are really good and I always retain the material. These things never come up when I write because my default is always to think negative thoughts.

So I decided to change things up after reading positive psychology, just to see if it would work.

I went into my major psychology paper this semester with positive thoughts. If I just write the words will come to me. Don’t worry about any negatives just write. The results were pretty amazing. I just wrote. I followed my outline for my paper and wrote from the heart. I stayed positive throughout the whole process. I ended up with a rough draft that was pretty much a final draft. I did some editing along the way like normal but it was an enjoyable experience. I realized that by just writing I was able to really express what I wanted to express. The positivity that I used during the entire process really helped me do what I love, write.

This revelation about positive psychology can be used in my daily life. I started planning my days better with specific goals that I wish to achieve, but small goals like writing, working on school work, or taking a walk. As I achieve those small goals I can make bigger ones like making plans on the weekend. Life has been crazy for me lately. I have been so stressed out with everything around me that I have reverted to old habits that I need to get under control. I am still on this journey and I still have a long way to go.

I recommend those who are suffering from depression or a psychological disorder to check out positive psychology. It might help!

 

So It Has Been A While…

I have been neglecting…

My blog.

My life.

My Writing.

It has been many weeks since the last time I post a blog or worked on a writing piece. So much has happened lately that, when I start to write, it is all negative and incoherent ramblings. Honestly, if I was to write what I felt over the last few weeks it would scare people. Especially me.

So I decided to take a step back and reflect. Get my thoughts realigned in my crazy brain and take a break from all the writing. It has been a tough few weeks for me. My grandfather came home from the hospital, but he is looking much better than I thought, and he seems to me doing okay. I have to deal with his nurses on a daily basis (he is in home health care) but I am dealing. I have finally came to grips that I have no control over what happens to him. My grandfather has cancer, and there no way that I can stop it. So, I having spent hours analyzing this I decided to leave it to fate and stop dwelling that one day soon I will lose my grandfather. I will spend as much time with him in his remaining time on this earth.

I have had a plethora of injuries and illnesses that have contributed to my lack of writing (though I kind used these as a crutch on why I wasn’t writing.) I injured my foot for about a week, I found out that I have metatarstalgia. Basically it is a medical condition that causes pain and inflammation in the ball of my foot. It was extremely painful the first couple days and it took almost a week to heal. What makes matters worse is that it will keep coming back (I will have to see a specialist.) So, chalk it up to yet another medical condition to add to the long list of things wrong with me. I also just finished recovering from a bad stomach bug. When it rains in my life, it really pours. But, I got past it so I must think positive (more on this later.)

The past few weeks have been tough. I get through my days just doing the minimum. I will admit I am in a bit of a depressive slump. The stress has been so high in my life that depression just seemed the easier route. It came to no surprise to me that my health is starting to deteriorate, again. I spent many days just laying in my bed thinking or watching TV. I started to revert to old habits like cancelling plans and letting the stress and anxiety take over. I still have the panic attacks but they aren’t as bad, and I have been feeling much better.

I know it’s unhealthy to dwell on the depressive thoughts. I know I have been here before.

But, old habits die hard.

I have had time to reflect. Which is good. You know how god works in mysterious ways? Well he does. I am still in school. I am currently taking a psychology class this summer. This week one of the topics we learned about is positive psychology. Those who follow my blog know that I can be very negative about my life. I always assume that bad things will happen. As I went through my homework this week about positive psychology it really made me think. The last few months all that I have thought about is the past and feared that I would repeat it. All that negative energy just made things worse. My anxiety attacks have been so bad lately, and I realized I am causing all of it. Go figure. I knew deep down but I hate admitting that I am my own worst enemy.

So, I am going back to the basics. I am going to try to have a positive outlook again. I will make daily goals and keep them. I will go back and do the things that I love like writing, blogging and journaling. I know things are tough in my life, but I have gone through worse and survived. I am still here, breathing and living.

From here I must do these things:

1. Keep the positive thoughts in my head
2. Keep working at getting back to the person that did things
3. Just take it one day at a time

That is where this journey is taking me. I said it before, this is just another path that I must walk on this bipolar journey. I can’t solve all of my problems at once. It is going to be an interesting ride. I hope you join me on this journey.